Update about our adoption process

Okay, so I decided to start a blog (sorry, I tried to think of a clever/witty name for this, but had none-I'm open to suggestions!!) to keep people updated on our progress.  I'm not sure this will be great writing, but I figure if people are wondering what's going on, they can check in here.

We have decided after much debate that we are going to do a Domestic Infant Adoption.  Most likely we will meet the birth parents during the pregnancy (they will choose us from a pool of waiting families) and we may be able to be at the hospital for the birth.  Most times, babies go home from the hospital with the adoptive family. Ideally, there will be ongoing contact with the birth family as our child grows up, the amount of openness depends on what everyone involved is comfortable with and desires.

At this point, we have had one meeting with our social worker at our agency.  We both really liked her and had a great meeting going over what we would be doing in our next several meetings, as well as our roles in the process (going to meetings, reading books, watching some online webinars and educating our friends and family about adoption and more specifically about opennenss in adoption, which our agency encourages.) and also Tiffany's (our social worker) role. (supporting us, gathering info for the home study, approving that, and then being with us when we meet birth parents, and helping us come to an openness agreement.)

We will do a total of 6 meetings, need to read 4 books, watch one video (did that last night-more on that later) and watch 4 online webinars.  After this is all complete (it really varies on how long this takes...dependent on how quickly we can get the above things done-maybe 3-5 months) our home study will be sent to Tiffany's boss for approval.  Once it is approved, our profile (and profile book-forgot to mention that-we need to make a photo book with a letter to potential birth parents and make 15 copies for all 5 of our agencies offices to have) is put into the pool of waiting families.  From that point, the timing is very unpredictable, it really depends on when we are chosen by birth parents.  One thing they do recommend is for us to do whatever "networking" we are comfortable with.  That means we can post our profile on various adoptive parents websites, and really just get the word out (Facebook, friends, church or blogs) that we are adopting in case anyone knows of a birth mother considering adoption.

Many people wonder about the "openness"part of domestic adoption, and we, like most people, didn't really understand it and felt sort of uncomfortable with the thought of it.  The thing I had said to Kevin when we were first discussing it was that it just seemed like a good thing to be able to answer our children's questions when they would arise about why they were placed for adoption, and who their birth family was.  It seemed like a big benefit to have more people loving our kid.  What I have now learned is it is much more complex than just sending a letter & picture occasionally, and that is really beneficial for adopted children to maintain that first bond they had with their birth parents, and be able to connect their sense of self with that birth family.  Openness varies in each adoption situation, but seems to be a really positive step in adoption.  It isn't always easy, and it takes lots of work before, during and after the birth, on all sides of the adoption.  Working closely with social workers to set up a plan, maintain boundaries and to work on conflicts as they arise after the placement are extremely important.  We want to be able to form a relationship with the birth family (it could be a variety of people from the birth parents, to birth grandparents. aunts, uncles or even birth siblings) that really lasts forever.

It seems like that could be hard, and intrusive, but from the accounts I've read in some of my books, the adopted children always really value the relationship/connection with their birth families, but they never think of those people as their "parents."  Their adoptive parents are their parents, but their birth parents are like a special aunt/uncle or friend.  Others might worry about the adoptive grandparents taking too much of a role in the child's life, or feel threatened by other birth family, but as I've been thinking about it (and I've been thinking of it a lot!!  Wondering if we're really going to be able to figure this out!!) I thought about the closeness I have with so many families (in-laws, friend's families, families I was a nanny for, the family Connie was a nanny for, etc) and it can really be similar to that.  For instance, my connection with the families I was a nanny for....the boys I used to watch are almost 18 now (I know!  I can't believe those 3 little babies are now way, way taller than me and are seniors in high school-Jack is just as tall and is a sophmore.) but I still am close with them and their family.  I became part of their family and got to know all of their extended family. I don't see them often, but we keep in touch and they are still so important to me.  It is the same with the second family I worked for, (Ella is 13 and Caroline 11-so crazy they are all so grown up!) I got to know not only Kim & John, but their extended families as well.  While we don't see each other often, we'll always have a special connection.  It shows that you can have lots of different families you are part of, and don't have to be related biologically to be FAMILY.  One of the books compares adoption to marriage, you don't get married and think "I am not interested in having a relationship with my spouse's family,  I just want to be married and have our own family."  We become part of each other's families in marriage, and while some of those relationships can be hard, and we may not get along with everyone, all the time, you work at it because you are family.  It can be the same way in adoption...we may not always agree with the birth family's requests, ideas, values, lifestyle, etc, but we will need to work it out and always communicate and commit to keeping in touch because it will be best for our child. d

The other very complicated piece of this is deciding if we want to adopt transracially.  My first instinct is that we would adopt any baby, no matter what racial heritage they have.  Some families feel it is important to have their adopted children resemble them.  For us, that is not important.  We want more children to love and children that will become Eli's siblings.  This seems simple, but after watching a video last night with interviews with adults, adopted as children, to transracial families, it is obviously not simple at all!!!  There are many issues with identity in adoption, but especially if you have a transracial adoption.  We are very willing to learn all we can about other cultures and hopefully staying connected with birth families will help in this area as well, but now I wonder (& worry) about our community being diverse enough, (Forest Lake is not terribly diverse or progressive) our families and friends being not only accepting, but aware of things they need to do/say to help our child feel loved and accepted.  These are things we need to talk to our social worker about, and I suspect I will feel less overwhelmed with these questions as I read and learn more,  but it is all so scary and complicated!!!!

Kevin and I will both be praying about all of these questions, as we know God does have a plan for us with this.  Our agency is a Christian agency, which we really value...praying at the beginning and ending of our meetings and really emphasizing the importance of God in all of this.  Please pray for us too...for wisdom, ease of the process, for understanding for Eli (he's excited about a new brother or sister) and especially for the birth mother, whoever she is.  What a horrible choice to have to make...to parent or to place your child for adoption.  Pray that she finds comfort & peace in her decision and that she has support to make the right decision for her.

Thanks for reading!